Life is a funny thing. We live, we struggle, we feel, we fight, we love, we lose love, we give up, we find happiness, and then we do it all over again. Sometimes life hits you strong and hard and all I really want to do is hide under the covers and sleep it all out. I feel myself falling into a depression, and I cycle through this over and over. I’m not sure if it is hormones or what, but I repeatedly find myself heading toward the depression side of life. The good news is that I see the signs of it coming on when it does and I wallow in it for a few days and then force myself out of it. Too many things are going on right, and too many things are out of my control.
As a counselor, I am always teaching people that there are events which will always be out of your control and you are only in control of your reactions. You cannot control every event in your life, and you cannot control other people, only yourself. I teach that each person is responsible for their own feelings and their own happiness and if they don’t like how they feel, they alone have the power to change it. It seems at times I am not able to practice what I preach. I agree that it is hard at times to pull yourself out of your funk, but you are the only one who can pull yourself out.
I digress, as usual, back to me and my funk. The signs I usually get are as follows: constant tiredness regardless of how much sleep I get; junk food munchies; lack of motivation; and anti-social behavior. The biggest thing for me is the desire to be alone. I get restless sitting at home on the couch and I just want to get out and blend in with the crowd for awhile. It goes along with the old saying “be alone amongst a thousand people”, or however it goes. I don’t want to socialize or talk to people, but just get lost in the crowd and basically be left alone.
I don’t know what really brings this on. Currently, I am discouraged by my job and want to quit; however, I need the money for survival. I want to concentrate more on my writings, but in the last few weeks I have found very little writing gigs and haven’t written to my blog or anything. This makes me believe I am not cut out to be a writer because I am not motivated enough to do so. I feel like there are not enough hours in the day to accomplish all the things I want to do, so I just do nothing. I fear that by quitting my job, I will not accomplish my goals of being a writer. I hope that I will be more motivated and more disciplined, but I fear I will not be. All that said, it all irritates me to no end. Yes, I irritate myself and make myself cranky and depressed. I suppose it is up to me to change it, easier said than done though.
It is tough when you go through struggles and depression and the people around you are going through the same thing. It brings about a more helpless situation, because you are unable to give anything to the people you care most about and you are unable to get anything from them as well. It seems like we are all carrying our own burdens alone, and I don’t like that either.
I suppose I should just figure out some sort of schedule for myself and stick to it. Make myself blog daily, write a few pages in my book, look for writing jobs, write blogs for different sites, and stick to the schedule I make. If I do a little each day, I will at least feel like I am accomplishing something and maybe that will pull me out of this funk I am falling into.