Have you ever noticed that when you are unhappy with one part of your life it brings your whole attitude down? Well, that is the story of my life right now, my happiness seems to have drained away to….some tropical island without me. I hate feeling miserable, I hate feeling like I just want to cry, and I hate feeling helpless to do anything about it. My current problem…the job. I know it sounds lame and pathetic, but it’s a huge part of my life and I hate it. Its where I spend most of my time, energy, and life…so it makes sense that one should like what they do right? And if one does not like what one does, they should change it so that they may feel some sort of joy again. My motto has always been “if you don’t like it change it”, easier said than done I guess. Its hard right now to just change, especially when I have no idea what I want to do. I just know it isn’t this.
I thought I wanted to be a counselor for a really long time, and it was all I wanted to do. Now, I’m doing it and I don’t like it at all. The people are great (well most of them), the job isn’t really that hard. It can be a huge strain emotionally sometimes and there is a lot of paperwork to be done, but it lacks the hard core challenge that I need to keep me going. I live for change and I live for challenges and I die with monotony and being reprimanded for stupid little things (like grammar errors or something). Don’t get me wrong, I think I’m really good at what I do, I just don’t love it, and if I don’t love it then I’m not happy.
This unhappiness leaks into the other areas of my life and I find it hard to fight the depression that comes with my discontent. I find it hard to find the joy in little things, like I use to, and I find I get annoyed and pissed off at stupid trivial things. This sort of ‘depression’ as I’m going to call it, pushes people away and I don’t mean to, but I just go around and around with myself as I struggle for some clarity. I feel like I’m on this internal quest, looking for something, and finding nothing.
It leads to a pissy, discontent, passive-aggressive attitude. I just have to struggle through and try my hardest to not hurt other people, while trying to figure myself out.
I don’t know how much longer I can stay here, but I’m not really sure what else to do. I’m too independent to rely on anyone else for my security with money and such, and I have to be able to support myself and pull my own weight.
I need to get some things paid off and that is the real hold-up for me. I would hate to quit this, try something else, and continue on this unsatisfied journey forever. There has to be something out there that will satisfy me and keep me happy. I’m not the kind of girl who can sit at home all day, everyday.
I know I will figure it out, but until I do this is my story and this is my attitude and I’m sorry if I hurt anyone, I don’t mean to. I tend to go inside myself for answers and it makes me a little unavailable on the outside and enthused about things I would normally be enthused about. I will work on it and try to be a normal human, but this is my inner struggle and I’m not excited to feel this way. It seems like I am in this negative place way to much.